College has taught me so many things so quickly that it’s ridiculous. Most recently, I have realized two things: 1) that I am a swirling mess of emotions, and 2) that I need to get over myself. It’s really easy to say what we think or what we feel, or what we want to happen. But how often do we take the time to truly understand what we are actually feeling?
I’m still struggling with this blogging thing in a couple of ways. For one, I have not posted anything in far too long. I plan on changing this. One of the main reasons for starting this was to have a place to vent what’s on my mind in a semi-organized way—to have a medium for “putting myself out there.” Also, there is this delicate balance between what one can and cannot (or should and shouldn’t) actually post online. But then again, if I just decided to journal, I’m pretty sure I would have no motivation to actually do it.
Now, on the first topic, sometimes I feel like such a mess. I let my emotions run so out of balance that I’m not really sure how to even begin to articulate them, or even know for sure if I’m “ok” or not. Then add to that the sleep deprivation that comes with college. Not a pretty formula. I am learning to find balance in that area. I think I’m learning to find balance in just about everything right now. It’s really easy to just say: “emotions are stupid” and try to move on. But there’s no moving on without first confronting what you feel, head on. Things don’t just go away. Oh, how I wish life was Dora the Explorer and problems were Swiper. But life doesn’t work like that. One of the beauties of life is that we don’t have an easy button. We have to find ways every day to realize how beautiful what we feel is. Our emotions, as we understand them, are one of the many things that make us human. We should rejoice in our pain because we can recognize it and move through it. Imagine a life where everyone was great all the time—we wouldn’t grow. It would be taking rain away from a tree. We would die without the things that we feel are sucking the life from us.
On the second note, I’ve found that it’s way too easy for me to develop a warped sense of pride. It’s an odd paradox. I think that I’ve been trying so hard to be humble that I’ve forgotten the reasons why and I’ve been attempting to wear it on my chest like a button. I’ve tried so hard to push myself to a higher standard that I’ve subconscious developed a sense of feeling that I’m “better” than other people. I know that sounds terrible, but think about it: we try to be something better than what is around us, and something better than what is expected of us. So, if we become a better person, is it wrong to say that we are “better” than those who aren’t trying to push themselves? Is it so wrong to compare ourselves to others when we have such a nature for competition? We are taught that we are all equal, and we are, in a sense. No one of us is any less valuable than another in terms of the value of our lives. But how can you compliment someone without that compliment being based on comparing that person to other people? In saying someone is a great man or woman, really we are implying that others are not, or at least that the average person at least not as good of a person. But culturally we have been taught that it’s wrong to think you’re “better” than anyone else, even though we are also taught to make ourselves into better people. It’s a thin line, and I expected to have some conclusion to share on this by the end of writing this. But I’m pretty sure that this is a question I’ll never have an answer to. Pretty sure that English needs some more concise words to explain some of these topics so we have a better point of reference to think about them.
Either way, I am learning every day how important it is to be involved with the lives of other people. To feed and be fed, to correct and be corrected, to love and be loved back. I’m especially struggling with the being loved back part—not that is’ not expressed, but that I can’t always receive it. I know that I have been blessed more than I know what to do with, and I’ve arrived at the conclusion that feeling alone does not mean that there is no one there for you; instead, it is usually you (or me in this case) failing to realize who is there and in what ways. Feeling alone is the ultimate way to slap your friends in the face and stab them in the back. Pride in the only thing that stands in the way of receiving the love people naturally try to give.